I understand your delimina and for many the online sites are not fulfilling but you have been given some great advice by the others responding to you, I can only repete when has been said, check your local bdsm groups ( yahoo groups is a good place to start) and find a munch or meet and greet, there you can meet people before any discussion of play coes into the conversation, and there you can take things as slow or as quick as YOU like....I hope this helps. Wyked