Mending ways?

[TheseDays]

Just re-read her first post and wanted to add..

...another thing, I have mended my ways. You are the one that left once after we got back together then left the other day, according to you it was because of what happened a long long time ago.

It's done and over with, I haven't messed up since. You are the one that left because you weren't over what happened way back then. Thats what you told me, but you also told me when we got back together that it's the past. Sorry you can't actually tell me the truth over if it was still bothering you or not.

I have keep the F-ing faith with our relationship through all this. I have been there for you through all of the crap that you experienced in your life with your mother and all that crap since we got back together.

I have every right to upset you left (not saying that anyone said I don't). So don't try and make it seem like this is all my fault. (again not saying that you are, just saying).

YOU agreed to come back. You COULD have said no if you were still worried about what happened. You say you dove back into it. So did I. If you needed space you could have taken it. But I damn well deserve a reason for you needing space and frankly I didn't see it like that. I saw you lose faith in me, I saw you lose faith in us. Through it all I was there fighting for you not to go.

So there, it's up to you to decide! Not me, I already said I would love to have you back you know that. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to try and put what happened behind us in some way. But DO NOT say you are willing to work things out with me and then pull out this whole "you cheated before" argument. I did it ONCE. I messed up, and I still came back to you and you came back to me. That HAS TO say SOMETHING.

The fact that I am here, saying all this on the internet, infront of however many people take a look at this has to say something.

I don't care how the people on this site view me, I don't care how the people who read this view me! I am here, proclaiming my love for you YET AGAIN and doing all of this for you to try and understand that I really am sorry. That has to show something.

[Ladymad]

Just re-read her first post and wanted to add..

...another thing, I have mended my ways. You are the one that left once after we got back together then left the other day, according to you it was because of what happened a long long time ago.

It's done and over with, I haven't messed up since. You are the one that left because you weren't over what happened way back then. Thats what you told me, but you also told me when we got back together that it's the past. Sorry you can't actually tell me the truth over if it was still bothering you or not.

I have keep the F-ing faith with our relationship through all this. I have been there for you through all of the crap that you experienced in your life with your mother and all that crap since we got back together.

I have every right to upset you left (not saying that anyone said I don't). So don't try and make it seem like this is all my fault. (again not saying that you are, just saying).

YOU agreed to come back. You COULD have said no if you were still worried about what happened. You say you dove back into it. So did I. If you needed space you could have taken it. But I damn well deserve a reason for you needing space and frankly I didn't see it like that. I saw you lose faith in me, I saw you lose faith in us. Through it all I was there fighting for you not to go.

So there, it's up to you to decide! Not me, I already said I would love to have you back you know that. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to try and put what happened behind us in some way. But DO NOT say you are willing to work things out with me and then pull out this whole "you cheated before" argument. I did it ONCE. I messed up, and I still came back to you and you came back to me. That HAS TO say SOMETHING.

...

I am here, proclaiming my love for you YET AGAIN and doing all of this for you to try and understand that I really am sorry. That has to show something.

Glad to see you are such a martyr for this relationship. I just find it interesting to see that despite your acknowledgment that you were the one to screw up, you still believe that the onus is entirely on tommiecat to fix the hurt, anger and distrust you caused.

You seem to want to be thanked for 'letting' her come back after you cheated on her. You want to be thanked for saying you have changed. Well, actions speak louder than words - your previous actions spoke volumes and a few "I'm mending my ways" comments just can't make up for that.

Your obvious anger in your post and your expectation that she needs to give you more reason for needing space push me to tell you to calm down. If you really love this girl give her some space and be there for her when she needs you.

Prove to her she can trust you! That is part of your 'give' in the 'give and take', especially when you broke her trust in the first place by fucking someone else.

[leah06]

Mr. TomCat, since you chose to post on here I assume you want input. I'm sorry if it's not the input you want. I understand your sentiments, but would understand them better if the timeframe were different. It sounds like you two were back together for a few weeks at most before she told you that the past was weighing on her. For some reason, you view this as a tremendous inconsistency such that her staying with you for those few weeks seems like a betrayal, that she kept this big secret. But lots of times people don't know all of how they feel RIGHT NOW, let alone how they're going to feel in the future. Clearly she has feelings for you that were enough for her to want to try again, but then she got additional information. Maybe that information was just about herself and her feelings, or maybe she felt the relationship settling into its old habits and she wondered, if nothing else has changed, I wonder if he's really changed? Or maybe, not to hurt your feelings, she sensed a certain - trivialization - of what happened on your part. Clearly this encounter with another woman didn't mean very much to you, but it means a lot to her, and you don't seem to be very empathic to that. At all.

So I would suggest a few things, and they might be hard for a domly soul to hear. First, you need to realize, for real, the enormity of what you did. The encounter might have meant nothing to you, but it had a tremendous impact on your partner and your relationship, so, it's important. And, having realized that, you need to be very empathic to her hurt and mistrust. When she mistrusts you now, SHE'S not doing something to YOU. Really. You did something to her, remember? Finally, you need to realize that she can't get over that just because you tell her to, or even because she tells herself to. She can say that she forgives you and trusts you, but far into the future there might well be reverbrations that you just have to put up with.

TommieCat, you chose to post on here also, so here goes. Whether you get back together is your choice. Asking other people for advice is just silly - why don't you take a poll and just go with the popular vote? And you're lucky, because it is entirely your choice - TomCat is waiting for you. If you choose to walk away, it's not a mistake. But if you choose to stay, you need to be responsible for understanding how you feel and for managing it. Trusting someone, and loving someone, really can involve a conscious choice, so if you decide now to trust him, you need to be willing to resist those times in the future when you will feel paranoid about this. And if you decide to love him, you need to resist those times in the future when you will feel angry about this. It doesn't mean not to feel those ways, but not to magnifiy the feelings and not to act on them. If you can share them in a non-confrontational, non-accusing way, then maybe you can both find the triggers and avoid them. But if you do get back together, then don't be impulsive in the future. You can't break up every time you have a bad day. "Measure twice, cut once."

I'm retreating back to the top of my mountain now. Others who seek advice, feel free to climb up and ask. The air's great up here.

[sinderella]

Just re-read her first post and wanted to add..

...another thing, I have mended my ways. You are the one that left once after we got back together then left the other day, according to you it was because of what happened a long long time ago.

It's done and over with, I haven't messed up since. You are the one that left because you weren't over what happened way back then. Thats what you told me, but you also told me when we got back together that it's the past. Sorry you can't actually tell me the truth over if it was still bothering you or not.

I have keep the F-ing faith with our relationship through all this. I have been there for you through all of the crap that you experienced in your life with your mother and all that crap since we got back together.

I have every right to upset you left (not saying that anyone said I don't). So don't try and make it seem like this is all my fault. (again not saying that you are, just saying).

YOU agreed to come back. You COULD have said no if you were still worried about what happened. You say you dove back into it. So did I. If you needed space you could have taken it. But I damn well deserve a reason for you needing space and frankly I didn't see it like that. I saw you lose faith in me, I saw you lose faith in us. Through it all I was there fighting for you not to go.

So there, it's up to you to decide! Not me, I already said I would love to have you back you know that. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to try and put what happened behind us in some way. But DO NOT say you are willing to work things out with me and then pull out this whole "you cheated before" argument. I did it ONCE. I messed up, and I still came back to you and you came back to me. That HAS TO say SOMETHING.

The fact that I am here, saying all this on the internet, infront of however many people take a look at this has to say something.

I don't care how the people on this site view me, I don't care how the people who read this view me! I am here, proclaiming my love for you YET AGAIN and doing all of this for you to try and understand that I really am sorry. That has to show something.

yes, it most certainly does. i am not seeing arrogance here, but then again, i have a different way of looking at things, and a very forgiving nature. i think some people are being too hard on Him - it took a lot of guts to put all of this out here so candidly - he essentially walked through the fire for her.