BDSM and former child abuse victim

[Veronika]

But could it be that because of the abuse you don't know any better and you link abuse and love together and feel "happiness" which is in fact not that. If you have never been in a healthy relationship how would you know what being happy feels like?

This is something I had to admit to myself. It was hard to admit that because of the most important relationships of my life(parents) my emotional life became twisted. I was looking for the abuse over and over again. And turned down everyone who treated me good and right. I felt uncomfortable around people who actually liked me. I thought deep inside that I deserved to be humiliated, lied to, and left alone for a long time.

And because of the "good moments" the abuser shows from time to time that is what makes you want to stick in and make it work! Because you seem to think that if you just please him hard enough he will love you eventually. And you just wait and wait. And get disappointed again.

This is not love. Love is not about humiliation, degradation, hurt, abuse, name-calling, making you walk on egg-shells. No! It's about respect, trust, commitment, joy and harmony. Between one man and one woman.

I think this is why people become masochists. It's something very psychological and it can be dangerous for a fragile person to start messing your mind with this. How is getting the same treatment going to heal you? How is it supposed to get your self-esteem higher? Wouldn't you think it just increases the depression and anger inside of the abused person? Confirms to him/her that this is what he/she deserves.

[Flaming_Redhead]

If you have never been in a healthy relationship how would you know what being happy feels like?

It sounds to me as if you're making the preposterous assumption that one needs to be in a "healthy relationship" to ever experience happiness. I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm quite able to feel joy irregardless of my relationship status.

This is something I had to admit to myself. It was hard to admit that because of the most important relationships of my life(parents) my emotional life became twisted. I was looking for the abuse over and over again. And turned down everyone who treated me good and right. I felt uncomfortable around people who actually liked me. I thought deep inside that I deserved to be humiliated, lied to, and left alone for a long time.

I'm happy that you finally figured it out. Me, I had it figured out as a teenager. I knew I didn't deserve all the crap I was getting at home. I still find it hard sometimes to take a compliment, but I don't take anyone's crap.

And because of the "good moments" the abuser shows from time to time that is what makes you want to stick in and make it work! Because you seem to think that if you just please him hard enough he will love you eventually. And you just wait and wait. And get disappointed again.

With a good man, you *can* please him. It's not an endless cycle of never being good enough and trying harder and still not being good enough. I'm sorry you have yet to experience making someone happy who makes you happy.

This is not love. Love is not about humiliation, degradation, hurt, abuse, name-calling, making you walk on egg-shells. No! It's about respect, trust, commitment, joy and harmony. Between one man and one woman.

Don't try to force your definition of love onto everyone else. Humiliation, degradation, hurt, and name-calling are all about SEX, and because he cares about me and cares about whether or not I enjoy sex with him, he does what needs to be done to please me. If he didn't respect me, I wouldn't be with him. I don't tolerate disrespect from anyone, most certainly not you. I trust him. He has never done anything to warrant suspicion. When we are together, there is joy and harmony. I think it's safe to say after a year and a half that there is a commitment. Even though we are monogamous, I don't presume to know what love is or is not for others who might choose a different way.

I think this is why people become masochists. It's something very psychological and it can be dangerous for a fragile person to start messing your mind with this. How is getting the same treatment going to heal you? How is it supposed to get your self-esteem higher? Wouldn't you think it just increases the depression and anger inside of the abused person? Confirms to him/her that this is what he/she deserves.

You're confusing FUN with abuse. It's not the same treatment at all. How can you possibly confuse getting strapped by a drunk step-father who hates you with a sensual spanking from the man you love? I feel very special to be with him. I am happiest when I can spend time with him. He's probably more than I "deserve" after the way I've behaved at times, but I'm not complaining.

[SubmissiveDoll]

Veronika,

From the few posts you've made here today... I'm willing to bet that you are NOT into the D/s lifestyle. You seem out to criticize more than join in a conversation. Now, I'm going to explain this as best I can. I hope you read it, retain it, and learn something.

ABUSE VICTIMS ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY INTO BDSM!!! NOT ALL PEOPLE IN BDSM LIFESTYLES HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!!
*cough*

Yes, previous childhood traumas can drive people to seek out behaviors that are not healthy for them. Like, drugs, alcohol, and sex. However, some people are able to move past trauma. You are speaking with a very jaded and non informed opinion when you speak about this topic.

I in no way confuse pain with love. They are very different things. I know just about everyone here is able to distinguish the difference as well. Don't begin to assume that people in a D/s lifestyle are ignorant. Statistically people who belong to the BDSM community are of above average intelligence, and generally are middle to upper class when it comes to finances. Feel free to check into that one. Hell if you want some really solid information on childhood trauma vs. BDSM try here... http://www.psychologytoday.com/ I'm a major in psychology, and plan to branch that out into sociology. My point... I study people and groups of people. Thats what I do with my life.

I have no major childhood issues that drive me to live in this lifestyle, I do it because it feels right.

But could it be that because of the abuse you don't know any better and you link abuse and love together and feel "happiness" which is in fact not that. If you have never been in a healthy relationship how would you know what being happy feels like?

This is something I had to admit to myself. It was hard to admit that because of the most important relationships of my life(parents) my emotional life became twisted. I was looking for the abuse over and over again. And turned down everyone who treated me good and right. I felt uncomfortable around people who actually liked me. I thought deep inside that I deserved to be humiliated, lied to, and left alone for a long time.

And because of the "good moments" the abuser shows from time to time that is what makes you want to stick in and make it work! Because you seem to think that if you just please him hard enough he will love you eventually. And you just wait and wait. And get disappointed again.

This is not love. Love is not about humiliation, degradation, hurt, abuse, name-calling, making you walk on egg-shells. No! It's about respect, trust, commitment, joy and harmony. Between one man and one woman.

I think this is why people become masochists. It's something very psychological and it can be dangerous for a fragile person to start messing your mind with this. How is getting the same treatment going to heal you? How is it supposed to get your self-esteem higher? Wouldn't you think it just increases the depression and anger inside of the abused person? Confirms to him/her that this is what he/she deserves.

[CookieMan]

But could it be that because of the abuse you don't know any better and you link abuse and love together and feel "happiness" which is in fact not that. If you have never been in a healthy relationship how would you know what being happy feels like?

I think I summed up everything I needed to with the bolded words there. You don't know any better. I'm sorry that you were a victim of child abuse, but that does not give you the right to try to push your feelings/beliefs/rhetoric on other people. Yes, it's sad and a crime that you had to suffer for your parents' failings, but as with anything, to survive...you must move forward. As far as 'happiness' goes, it doesn't require a relationship, healthy or otherwise. I've been happy with someone, I've been happy alone. All that really matters is that you're happy.

This is something I had to admit to myself. It was hard to admit that because of the most important relationships of my life(parents) my emotional life became twisted. I was looking for the abuse over and over again. And turned down everyone who treated me good and right. I felt uncomfortable around people who actually liked me. I thought deep inside that I deserved to be humiliated, lied to, and left alone for a long time.

Unfortunately, here is where I really start to disagree heavily with you. I feel that you have NOT worked through anything. You've seen it, you've recognized it...but instead of working THROUGH it, you've slammed a lid on it, covered it up, and let it fester until you finally let some of it seep out...into judging a rather large segment of society. But hey, if I'm wrong, I'll apologize and eat my hat.

And because of the "good moments" the abuser shows from time to time that is what makes you want to stick in and make it work! Because you seem to think that if you just please him hard enough he will love you eventually. And you just wait and wait. And get disappointed again.

Having dealt with abusive parents and family members, I feel I have a fairly good handle on these things. As a very young child, I'd have agreed with you. However, from the time I could REASON things out with LOGIC, I realized that what was happening to me wasn't my fault. I accepted that I couldn't change it, worked through it, and then decided to live my life my own way. Judging by your HIM there, I'd say you were the victim of abuse by a male figure. That or you believe that there are no female Dommes, which is rather incorrect.

This is not love. Love is not about humiliation, degradation, hurt, abuse, name-calling, making you walk on egg-shells. No! It's about respect, trust, commitment, joy and harmony.

Love is what love is. To me, it's something completely foreign to you, much the same as to you, it's something completely unrecognizable to me. Much of what you labeled there as 'not love' are merely tools that a Dominant person uses during scenes to make the submissive happier. Respect, trust, joy, harmony, and commitment...these are ALL things any D/s relationship has in large quantities. Without them, the relationships would fail and people would be severely injured.

Between one man and one woman.

Hmmm. Homophobic much? Or is it because you feel the bible told you it's wrong?

I think this is why people become masochists. It's something very psychological and it can be dangerous for a fragile person to start messing your mind with this. How is getting the same treatment going to heal you? How is it supposed to get your self-esteem higher? Wouldn't you think it just increases the depression and anger inside of the abused person? Confirms to him/her that this is what he/she deserves.

For most people, the pain is just a physical manifestation of the mental/emotional anguish. However in a D/s world, the pain is a way to heighten senses, drive the adrenaline and endorphins through the roof. My doll, for instance. In normal, every day life, isn't a fan of pain. However in a scene, she'll take the pain and thrive through it. Pain and pleasure receptors in the mind are nifty things, very easily confused. If I didn't respect and love my doll, I'd never say the things to her that I do during a scene. I'd use them during every day life. There is a vast difference between the two. During a scene, calling her by vile names is yet another tool in my arsenal to drive home the point that she's mine. Mine to love, mine to care for, mine forever. I've watched her go completely unhinged on others for using less offensive words to her, so I'd say your point on 'lowering self-esteem and increasing depression' are just about as moot as possible.

With those words, I leave you, Veronica. I hope you come to realize that we're all people, just that some of us aren't nearly as open-minded as others.