how to spot an arsehole

[Pearlgem]

Sometimes people aren't assholes (that's how we spell it on this side of the pond, Pearlgem). Sometimes they're just confused, or they think the relationship is right for them and then they get additional information, just like in the vanilla world. I think it's a mistake to believe that because someone is a Dom, and assumes SOME responsibilty for your experience, and you've given him SOME power in a power exchange, that he now has responsibility for things that no one can assume responsibility for. This includes, sadly enough, your emotional well-being.

Of course, in committed loving relationships both parties assume responsibility for the other's emotional well-being, but I don't think that happens any faster, or any deeper, or any more reliably in a D/s relationship than it would in a vanilla one. I see some subs rushing to give away, not just power, but their hearts as well, and I worry for them. I worry for myself, of course, too, and I don't mean to lecture, but it's maybe good to be aware of these possibilities.

I agree, rachel, that not all arseholes (that's how it's spelt properly) absolutely mean to be. They might just be ignorant or unsure or simply be biting off more than they know. Still, if you give the impression that you're experienced loving, strict, knowledgeable, etc etc, as many on here do, is that self delusion, wilful delusion, criminal delusion? Can a careful sub spot the signs?

(But I absolutely take your point, and Amber's too, that sometimes subs are just too willing to hand everything over to Doms who can't take the responsibility, and that's partly their fault. Still, there are real genuine arseholes out there who self servingly flaunt their Dom status and trifle with subs. How to spot them?)

[leah06]

Still, there are real genuine arseholes out there who self servingly flaunt their Dom status and trifle with subs. How to spot them?)

That's never happened to me, thank God, and also I've never done any cyber relationships, which is maybe what you're asking about. It's possible that someone once represented himself as having more experience than he did, and maybe wound up somewhat out of his comfort zone, but I think he was deceiving - if that's even the word - himself more than me. Look, a lot of these interactions are based on fantasy. You'd hardly spend a lot of time with someone who presented himself as unexperienced, selfish, ambivalent, and ignorant, would you? And lots of times people become what they pretend to be - for good or for ill.

So my advice, similar to others', would be to pay attention to signals, especially little ones. Is his information consistent? Are his rules similar to those that others outline here and on other sites? Does he know the difference between pushing limits and violating boundaries? As far as I'm concerned, no means no, especially at first. I've never used a safeword because I've never done the "don't, stop - don't stop" thing. (Not that I would mind, at a different stage in a relationship.) So I try to be as clear as possible in my signals and I want them respected. I think that even a little bit of inconsistent stories, or being pushed when it's not appropriate, would cause me to back out.

And that's the other thing. A lot of these interactions are based on fantasy, but if the other person is behaving poorly you need to be able to step back from the fantasy and recognize it. Before someone gets hurt.