Demanding jobs and BDSM

[symphony]

I find that the busier I am, the more vanilla my sex gets.

I know how that feels but from the other side, my sir has a very busy day so when hes tired things can get difficult. One of the best things to do is recognise that it doesnt say anything bad about you or him, sometimes life just get in the way. Pressure is your enemy, if your tired and had a bad day at work and then say to yourself "If i dont have good sex tonight it will have been....# days" then your not doing yourself any favours. Try and make other things more important, serving in other ways then it will get easier. Thats what did it for us anyways.

If there's anyone here with really busy work schedules (like, wake up at 6am and back home at 8pm or so), I'd love to hear how you fit BDSM into it. Only on weekends, perhaps?

I used to think like that, but your looking at it all upside down. If you are truely submissive at heart then why are you trying to fit BDSM into your life work etc? you should be trying to fit your life into BDSM if you know what I mean.

I hope you find all that useful because it really helped me, just changing the way I was looking at things helped make the problems seem smaller and when things diddnt seem like such a problem I felt like I had more energy, and things worked better.

Oh and on a side note, you dont have to have hours and hours to have a good time, sometimes being pinned against a wall when your not expecting it when you get back from work can be just as fun

[CuriousNYsub]

I don't have much to add having never been in a r/l situation, but wanted to say thanks to everyone for the great advice (and great question phantasy). I have a wake up at 6, home by 9, stressful type of job myself and I can imagine this being an obstacle when/if (hopefully) I get to pursue this in r/l.

Another, somewhat related thing is, how to quickly tame the bad attitude I come home with on a regular basis. It usually takes me an hour and a glass of wine to decompress....

[phantasy_seeker]

Thanks for all the replies, guys. Just to clarify, I'm not in a 24/7 D/s relationship, only in the bedroom. Perhaps top/bottom would be a more suitable term, but as I don't dictate what happens in the bedroom (e.g. "tie me just so, then spank me..."), I figured 'bedroom D/s' would be more appropriate. Of course, there are playful spanks, gropes, etc at other times, but there is no true dominant or submissive dynamic outside of the sexual/bedroom context between us. That's the way we prefer it.

Another, somewhat related thing is, how to quickly tame the bad attitude I come home with on a regular basis. It usually takes me an hour and a glass of wine to decompress....

Yes, I have this problem too! Usually by the time we've had dinner and I've completed sundry tasks and chores that need to be done, it's 10pm. And often I feel so stressed that anything further than a quick orgasm just feels like a bother!

I know how that feels but from the other side, my sir has a very busy day so when hes tired things can get difficult. One of the best things to do is recognise that it doesnt say anything bad about you or him, sometimes life just get in the way. Pressure is your enemy, if your tired and had a bad day at work and then say to yourself "If i dont have good sex tonight it will have been....# days" then your not doing yourself any favours. Try and make other things more important, serving in other ways then it will get easier. Thats what did it for us anyways.

I used to think like that, but your looking at it all upside down. If you are truely submissive at heart then why are you trying to fit BDSM into your life work etc? you should be trying to fit your life into BDSM if you know what I mean.

I hope you find all that useful because it really helped me, just changing the way I was looking at things helped make the problems seem smaller and when things diddnt seem like such a problem I felt like I had more energy, and things worked better.

Oh and on a side note, you dont have to have hours and hours to have a good time, sometimes being pinned against a wall when your not expecting it when you get back from work can be just as fun

Thanks for sharing! Sorry I didn't clarify earlier, but yeah, we really only do D/s (or T/b, if you prefer) sexually. No serving and such. Life will always come before BDSM, for both of us.

Bdsm doesnt allways have to be some kind of heavy whipping session with rough sex while tied to some elaborate woodden A-frame with 20 feet of rope and nipple wieghts with a violet wand up ones ass in a well stocked dungeon.

It can be as simple as being told to hold your hands behind your back while having sex.

Or not being allowed panties while one is at work (makes butt plug days real interesting).

Or being taken into the bathroom for a cleaning and inspection.

(and the sex part doesnt even have to be there eaither, there are all sorts of ways to add some bdsm spice to your day to day routine and they dont have to require anything time intensive at all, especially if you live with your partner)

I love your advice! The suggestions totally had me fanning myself. I think the issue here, though, is that it's probably more about the stress of work than time. It puts me out of the sexual mood, and veeerryyy far out of subbie mood when I'm stressed. Definitely can't have distractions at work such as butt plugs - I truly wish I had the sort of job where being distracted was acceptable, but I can't. Mistakes I make can potentially endanger other people's lives (and have me out of a job for life), so I always have to make sure I'm in top condition for work.

Yes, we do simple stuff like hands tied to the bedpost, or just me kneeling and sucking him off, or having nipple clamps on, etc. But what I truly love and crave for is the long, drawn-out bondage and teasing (and he likes it, too). I suppose it's true, sometimes we just have to suck life up, and relegate the intensive stuff to weekends. Perhaps it does make it more special.

When I visited my girl last summer, wake up time included dom and submissive behavior (make and serve coffee, then hand-to-hair and mouth-to-cock, then forced to ride to her orgasm.) The intensity of the demands and her (trained?) hair trigger response to being used helps keep her on schedule and to work on time. Weeknights were far more vanilla but the overtones were there. Weekends were filled (she has a very active community) and varied. Munches, workshops, visiting kinky friends, parties. And if we stayed in, she was used often. Well, she was used often regardless.

Thanks for sharing. We did try morning sex before, but orgasm inevitably makes me very sleepy and relaxed - almost fell asleep again once after it. So, we began to reserve that for weekends where I don't have to drag myself up at 6.30am post orgasm..

[Ozme52]

Thanks for sharing. We did try morning sex before, but orgasm inevitably makes me very sleepy and relaxed - almost fell asleep again once after it. So, we began to reserve that for weekends where I don't have to drag myself up at 6.30am post orgasm..

[Joke] What are you? A man!! [/Joke]

Well... practice making it like morning exercises. If you fight the urge to lie back down, get up and about instead, you will find it energizing.

It helps if you extend the D/s outside of the bedroom, at least a bit, so when he asks for something, you can jump-to... and once you're up, you'll find that orgasms jump start your day.

You only want to sleep because you get to do so after cumming before bedtime.

[symphony]

No serving and such. Life will always come before BDSM, for both of us.

i diddnt mean that bdsm was more important than work, kids, school obviously lol. Im not very good at explaining things im afraid but that statement was ment much less litrally and more mentally than it came across! But as i have kids I really feel the need to stress that, that isnt the way I feel at all!

I suppose its just a mindset i have that helps me deal with the whole too tired too stressed thing. If i look at it like thats the way i always am and we always feel then it dosnt feel so bad if we arnt specifically doing anthing expressing it that week. Where as i find it harder to deal with if i feel like I am always in work mode, and its just gone.

the difference between putting a 'normal' mask on to go outside and deal with life, and taking it off in the bedroom and putting a 'bdsm mask' on in the bedroom. (not that there is anything wrong with the latter! its a personal thing) if i feel like its always there then i dont panic so much if it seems to have gone away for the moment due to circumstance.

I know that its probably not that relevent to you as i thought you were a 24/7 type when i read your post but at least now i dont feel like people will read mine and think that i think that my romantic life is more important than my kids and his work as they always come first!

[Ozme52]

Another, somewhat related thing is, how to quickly tame the bad attitude I come home with on a regular basis. It usually takes me an hour and a glass of wine to decompress....

I recommend a non-alchohol based stress reliever. It puts you to sleep, making the stressors in your life your only excitement. LOL

I would suggest a good beating, giving or getting. (All the more reason to find a willing and compatible partner.) Something that takes your mind off of the stressors, gives you something nice upon which to focus, and gets your "blood up" (i.e., stimulates.)

For years, for me, it was my motorcycle. Thinking about work was a death sentence. Thinking about driving eliminated the stress by the time I got home. Getting or giving a good beating is similar. Got to concentrate on your partner.

If you can't find someone to assist, go online and get some tasks to put your mind to.

[CuriousNYsub]

I recommend a non-alchohol based stress reliever. It puts you to sleep, making the stressors in your life your only excitement. LOL

I would suggest a good beating, giving or getting. (All the more reason to find a willing and compatible partner.) Something that takes your mind off of the stressors, gives you something nice upon which to focus, and gets your "blood up" (i.e., stimulates.)

For years, for me, it was my motorcycle. Thinking about work was a death sentence. Thinking about driving eliminated the stress by the time I got home. Getting or giving a good beating is similar. Got to concentrate on your partner.

If you can't find someone to assist, go online and get some tasks to put your mind to.

You're right I need to find a new stress reliever. Sadly, beating is not an option at the moment...but I can and should take to running more often. I think just the stress of work and the economy has left me working longer, more frazzled hours.

Thanks for the advice :-)

[phantasy_seeker]

You're right I need to find a new stress reliever. Sadly, beating is not an option at the moment...but I can and should take to running more often. I think just the stress of work and the economy has left me working longer, more frazzled hours.

Thanks for the advice :-)

Eh, I dunno if this applies to anyone else, but when I'm dead tired, a beating is practically the last thing I'd enjoy - I'd much prefer the cozy comfort of my sheets, and a lot of comfort food. In fact, anything that involves exertion or pain is the last thing on my list... which rather narrows the scope of BDSM.

Then again, I suppose that if I'm that tired everyday, I really should do something about my job and stuff instead. Le sigh.

[Ozme52]

Eh, I dunno if this applies to anyone else, but when I'm dead tired, a beating is practically the last thing I'd enjoy - I'd much prefer the cozy comfort of my sheets, and a lot of comfort food. In fact, anything that involves exertion or pain is the last thing on my list... which rather narrows the scope of BDSM.

Perhaps the last thing you think you'd enjoy... but have you tried?

It's sort of like exercising. You hate to do it until you do. Then you suddenly begin to miss it.

My suggestion is really about making the effort to push yourself when you're tired... and maybe find out that doing so is energizing.

Then again, I suppose that if I'm that tired everyday, I really should do something about my job and stuff instead. Le sigh.

Especially the "stuff".