thanks so much. i'm gonna be on quite a bit for a while anyways. my mom is trying to help me emotionally but it helps alot to have ppl who understand the nonvanilla side to things cuz for me that makes it...i don't wanna say more difficult but...oh i dunno the word. im not used to not having rules and structure and guidance and i just feel so foolish for giving my whole self over to someone who i didnt even actually know like i thought i did. i gave so much time so much effort and unwaivering obedience and it still wasn't enough for him.