Little help?

[Caine]

I've recently had a submissive friend of mine email me about her dominant. Apparently he has started an online relationship with another sub. Now he has been up front about it, but she (my friend) has some insecurity issues and he knows it. They are mostly to do with her physical appearance and the new girl is younger, thinner, and prettier. There is a chance that this new girl will be meeting with him in person. Now my friend doesn’t want to say anything to him because she is insecure and wants to please him, but this is scaring her. She has asked for my advice. My first instinct is to tell her to tell him he needs to choose (they’re married by the way) between her and his online girl. It seems to me that if he cared about her happiness and took his responsibility as her dominant seriously he wouldn’t pull this on her. But I’m a bit on the over-protective side when it comes to my friends so I thought I would run it by all of you. Do you think it is the responsibility of the dominant to take care of her needs above his own? Seems selfish and petty to me to do what he is doing. Your thoughts?

[AndrewBlack]

I wholeheartedly agree with your gut impulse. This is one of those things I have strong feelings on. Going from a monogamous to a polygamous relationship needs to have the willing consent of BOTH parties. End of story the way I see it. I don't think D/s even enters into it.

[slavelucy]

Hi Caine,

i think it very much depends on the submissive in question, who you know better than we do (obviously), i also think it depends on their relationship. Some people make it fairly clear that they would take on another sub if the situation to do so presented itself...but i am getting the impression he did not make this clear, in addition, some subs don't have a problem with being one of many subs to one dominant, whereas some really hate the notion of being one of many and need to feel important to someone in order for the Ds between them to work. Whether this be due to low self -esteem (a view i find a little sweeping, personally, but nm) or not is not the issue, if she isn't happy with it, then she isn't happy with it, fullstop.

Either way, what is patently clear is that what's happened has and will contiue to upset the equalibrium of their relationship, and he is duty bound to do something about that. One wonders why, if he really knows her at all, why he hasn't made some considerable effort to ensure that she still feels special, important and worthy of the Ds between them...even in the unusual world of BDSM we all live in, female subs are still women, and she is obviously hurt and put out by his actions..add to this her submissive nature (in wanting to please him etc) and it adds up to a whole lot of hurt.

I

t seems to me that if he cared about her happiness and took his responsibility as her dominant seriously he wouldn’t pull this on her.

i both like and totally agree with this line, he has very much 'pulled it on her', any decisions like that, even in lifestyle Ds, HAVE to be made between them...he is not only being oblivious to her feelings, but he's actually taking advantage of the fact that she'll likely not say anything for fear of hurting or displeasing him.

What i find most interesting about the whole situation..is that she is his r/l submissive yet this other person is online....based on this i find it highly likely that she feels he has been able to say things and share things with someone else that he didn't feel he could say to her...or wants to try things on someone else that he doesn't feel she'd be able to do or do to his satisfaction..and this places the whole notion of trust on very dodgy ground...which is a disaster in any relationship, let alone a Ds one.

What do i think you should advise her to do? Write down all the reasons she's hurt and all the conerns she has about it, just write them, have a good look at what she's written and then speak to him...if she feels like this may displease him or something, then look at it this way...if this continues, it will eventually effect her ability to submit to him anyway...

Tell her goodluck from me.

Oh, and she's lucky to have a friend like you who she can talk to and who cares about her.

sl

[learningtopleez]

Oh, and she's lucky to have a friend like you who she can talk to and who cares about her.
sl

She's very lucky indeed Caine!!

Ditto to everything else slavelucy said also! I know I don't have alot of Ds knowledge, but I do know what it feels like to hurt....and she is hurting! Glad she has you!



Ltp

[Dngnkeeper]

My first instinct is to tell her to tell him he needs to choose (they’re married by the way) between her and his online girl. It seems to me that if he cared about her happiness and took his responsibility as her dominant seriously he wouldn’t pull this on her.

I think your first instict is spot on. And I whole heartly agree with all of the above.

At the end of the day its still nonconsentual, BDSM or not.

[Ruby]

What they said.

Technically he belongs to her as much as she to him. She might want to remind him that she doesn't share well, if at all.

Please remind her that she does have a say in this.

Does she want him to continue this online play or stop?
As much as I love playing in the dungeon and writing story lines, if my hubby/master said no, then I would stop for him.

Taking/meeting the new girl - in person and as a sub? Well that's a bit much to comprehend or stomach if she wants to keep him to herself.

Grrr! Go with your gut on this one.

[Caine]

Thank you all for the responses. It's good to know I wasn't overreacting. Like I said, I do get over protective at times and wanted to make sure I wasn't going to give her bad advice just because I'm angry at this jerk. Thanks for the suggestion, lucy, I will pass it on.

[magicgrl]

"Do you think it is the responsibility of the dominant to take care of her needs above his own? Seems selfish and petty to me to do what he is doing. Your thoughts?"

Well, as everthing in this lifestyle, it really depends. First, i have a hard time imagining that a man *needs* more than two women. Second, i *always* think it is incumbent on a Dominant to protect His submissive physically and emotionally. From what you described (and certainly we don't have all the details) it seems like He needs to slow down and make her more comfortable with the situation before taking any further actions.

a guess i believe that each person must feel secure with anything that is happening for it to be okay and if she's not, the He must do something about that.

*~magic~*