My switch-ness getting me in trouble.

[Timberwolf]

Timberwolf is feeling some confusion.

Okay, I've got myself in a bit of a situation. I'm still pretty new at all this in anything outside writing, and I need advice.

I'll try to set the scene without getting too overly personal. I'm a switch, this lady friend of mine is sub only. We're in an online thing only so far, just light play nothing really "serious". She's kind of a "bratty" style of sub: a girl who acts out, looking for a Dom to step up and "put her in her place" so to speak. Thing is I've had a habit of allowing her to act out and be the Top sometimes, because for me, both Dom and sub roles are enjoyable... for her, Topping is just a game, it's not serious, and it's not what she really wants. And I don't think I realized this soon enough.

Problem is, I think she's now having trouble taking the Dominant side of me seriously because of this. And I'm worried I've screwed myself, as far as any D/s goes with her (we are also what I would call good friends, that part is not in any jeopardy that I know of).

This is hard for me. Because on one hand persuing a D/s relationship with her is something I want. Badly. Really badly. But on the other, this is the first time I've really looked seriously at getting into something since realizing that I am in fact a switch, and not just a sub (over my first year in online D/s was spent entirely in a sub role). I'm finding it very hard to get in the headspace of doing only one role, or the other, full time all the time.

I'm not sure what to do about this exactly, and I guess this is something most switches probably encounter. I'm not even sure if there was a question in all of that.

But if anyone has some advice I'd like to hear it... you people do know of what you speak, and I could use some knowledge right around now.

[Tojo]

OK, I'm NOT a switch, never have been. I can't imagine the role not being clear.

However, I've played a little as a Dom online & messed about a little with my wife over the years.

To me, there's a lot of nonsense talked about being a Dom, & how to 'get a sub to submit.'

I think it either works or it doesn't. If you believe in yourself, have total confidence in your ability- AND the sub is serious, it'll probably work.

If she's not serious, why bother?

Tojo

[MJs dhyanna]

Being "selectively submissive" myself, I had this trouble when I first allowed my sub side to re emerge but fortunately I recognized it early (as you have) and I was able to show my sub that I was not a joke as a Top. I had to be a lot more aggressive to regain the control I needed and I had to do it quickly and decisively and leave no room for them to regain the Top position ever. When I wanted to submit I used someone totally different. Hope this helps.

Oh and if you ever need a Mistress..... look up MistressDhyanna

[Ruby]

I'm thinking there's lot of wisdom in dhyanna's post.

Not everyone can switch.

If you want to have a D/s relationship with her,
and she needs you to be the dom, then be the dom.

Sometimes it helps to mentally prepare, but having certain key words, phrases or commands to put yourself and your sub in that role.

For example, my sub and I are great friends. Nat, is his sub name, but not his real name. If we both want to play, I might ask something like, "Is Nathaniel home? Does he want to come out to play? Is he willing to obey his Miss?"

If he answers, "yes", then I happily take the domme role.

Some people can switch with the same person, other's can't. You'll have to find out what works for the two of you.

Big hugs,

Ruby

[Tojo]

Yes good point Ruby- that it helps to have a clear distinction between 'normal' & playtime.

My first sub & I would chat away about everyday things, then I'd say to her, 'would you like to put your collar on for me please susy?' & she'd say yes.

When she spoke next, she'd say 'I am wearing my collar now Master' & she'd be mine until I allowed her to take it off.

It sort of saved having a conversation 'um er would you um like to play a bit now?'


Tojo

[Psynymph]

Well i've actually been told repeatedly i'm a switch......because it completely depends on the person and how our chemistry meshes on what role i want to take.

and E/everyone here so far has made great points.......if you have to try to be something that doesnt come naturally.....then it's going to get old quick.

i mean are you the kinda person that can turn your roles on and off? or are you a bit more like me and it depends on the other person involved? or maybe it just depends solely on your current mood, as effected by other outside sources?

if she doesnt take you seriously, then she's not worth your effort.


p.s. i'll take you seriously ....sorry, sorry i know i'm soo inappropriate sometimes but it's the wolf avatar, makes me forget my place sometimes......

[TheKnothead]

Problem is, I think she's now having trouble taking the Dominant side of me seriously because of this. And I'm worried I've screwed myself, as far as any D/s goes with her (we are also what I would call good friends, that part is not in any jeopardy that I know of).

This is hard for me. Because on one hand persuing a D/s relationship with her is something I want. Badly. Really badly. But on the other, this is the first time I've really looked seriously at getting into something since realizing that I am in fact a switch, and not just a sub (over my first year in online D/s was spent entirely in a sub role). I'm finding it very hard to get in the headspace of doing only one role, or the other, full time all the time.

Wow, deja vu....sort of

Well... the good news is this...you're not screwed
bad news is...you have an uphill battle to fight.
worst news...your biggest opponent in this battle is you.

I'd have to write a book to try to explain what I mean by that, but here are a couple of thoughts and hopefully others will jump in here and add to it, or refute some of it, whatever, and fill in the gaps.

Background: My wife, was a sub before I met her (previous relationship), is a sub by nature. We tried the vanilla lifestyle and it was a train wreck. She has to have a master. And then there's me...the Knothead. Still, I've managed. I had to learn a lot and in my usual fashion, did it the hard way.

First, you are feeling and coming to terms with your Dom side...cool...let it out, let her see it and don't be half-assed about it. I'm not saying, turn into some raging lunatic. I am saying... decide what you want, it's real--a real relationship, so figure out how you want it to work (that is to include her ideals as well).

It's your job to figure out how to get both her and your desires and needs fulfilled. What rules are you going to set in place to achieve these goals? Define them. Explain them clearly to her. Then enforce them, first time and every time. It's not a game.

There's lots of homework involved here and it's not a part-time job either. You will have to be consistent, and above all committed, waffling around will wreak havoc in both of your lives.

Anyway, there are a couple of thoughts. I do not mean to sound discouraging if it came across that way, because it's not meant to be. This is a battle well worth the fight and well worth winning.

I'm sure that there are many here who can jump in with more advice and explain it far better than I'm doing here. I'll add more as I think of it too.

Oh and by the way...all that experience as a sub...just icing on the cake.

Personally, I have a hard time respecting someone who dishes out something they themselves haven't first tasted...but that's just me...

I wish you the best!!

TKH

[Timberwolf]

Thanks for all the feedback so far. A lot of food for thought.

[MsUther]

I dont have anything to contribute with really. But i wanted to wish you good luck Timberwolf. I am confident that you will manage this and whatever you put your heart into.
Asking for advice here show your willingness to learn and a understanding of your own situation that will be much of help when you now try to change the course

[Timberwolf]

Thanks MsUther, I can always count on you for a kind word. Can't ever get enough of those.

[Curious_1]

Timberwolf

I think you got some great advice from dhyanna and Ruby.

Your top priority is communications with her. Get everything straight in your head then talk to her. Come to an agreement whether you use a word or a phrase that takes you from regular chatting to play.

Curi

[MsUther]

~Twirling and cortseying for the neat doggie~

[cariad]

Perhaps the person you should really be looking to for support in this is your sub. Explain that as you developing your Dom side you need her support, and that does not include undermining your Dominance by being bratty. A sub has a responsibility in making the relationship work too.

I observe that Doms seem to be split into two camps, those who like to control a bratty sub, and those will not tolerate it. Having been firmly trained that topping from the bottom is a big no, I find it hard to understand, let alone accept. But that point aside it seems to me that your sub needs to show some maturity, and support you by not trying to top you whilst you are still a 'Dom in training'.

cariad

[lily27]

I think everyone has given you some great advice on how to handle your "switchiness" when you are in a relationship with a sub. But perhaps this girl in particular just isn't ready to have a D/s relationship with you.

If that is the case, trying to become more Dom-ish with her - setting rules, etc. - is probably more likely to scare her off entirely than anything else.

If you and her are happy being friends, then be friends.

Stop being concerned about topping her all the time, and just be happy with what you have together at the moment.

Just my two cents.

lily

[KermitsKeeper]

Hey Timberwolf, I can relate! My situation is a bit different as I switched with my master, but the challenges are similar. I find myself letting him take control now and again, not just when I want to play that way, but when he says I "need" to. Then it becomes challenging to get him to listen to me later. Heck, it gets hard to take charge, too. I am fortunate that we know each other well and can talk about it. I sincerely hope your friendship with this lady makes talking to each other help you, too!

[Ruby]

Timberwolf,

How's it going with this issue?

Are you making any progress removing the confusion?

Ruby

[Timberwolf]

Sorry, I probably should have posted a follow up a bit sooner, as I have had a couple inquiries and probes here and there.

As far as the issue goes between me and the person this was originally in question with, as far as I know right now we're just friends and holding with that. Of course she hasn't exactly been very vocal with me, since I started this. That's her choice I suppose.

However, life has a funny way of happening when one least expects it. I've encountered someone else who came along in the right place at the right time... someone perhaps much better suited to my own needs, both in D/s and other terms. Someone I've quickly established a very deep bond with that has... surprised me in more ways than I care to list publicly. And right now, as far as my switch-ness goes, I'm in a situation where both I and this person feel we're more than comfortable with it.

This is, in no way, meant to suggest the person originally in question isn't a fine person, or still someone I consider a friend. But the timing for us, as a couple isn't right. I hope she finds her happiness in D/s, in time. And if she still wants me as a friend, or wants my help, she knows it's there to be had.

Without going into further detail publicly, I hope that helps shed some light on it for those who have asked me about what exactly is going on with me these days. I am just thankful to be among a community with so many of you who clearly care about one another. We need more places like this one.

[Tojo]

Thanks for the follow up TW & thanks to Ruby for doing her usual excellent job of keeping on top of things.

Glad to hear things are working out. There seems to be somewhat of a perception that any Dom can work with any sub. I think that's a lot of crap myself- there are many that I couldn't work with & many I wouldn't want to work with.

There's also some that are just perfect- it's just a matter of finding that someone. When that happens it just works.

All the best.

Tojo

[Aussiegirl1]

Timberwolf,

It is great you have found someone you feel comfortable with. It seems it was worth the confusion to get to the point where you knew what and who you wanted.

As Tojo said, not all Doms and subs can work together, but when it does work, it is wonderful!

Good Luck to you both.

Aussiegirl

[Psynymph]

*runs up and hug Timberwolf then runs back to her hiding place*

hehe


yes yes as E/everyone said the BEST of luck. i think W/we all wish O/our luck so adamantly because W/we all know how hard it is for D/s relationships to work out. or simply to find someone to even try with.

oh and if you ever want to try anything out......you know before you try it on her.....i've always wanted to road trip to canada

[Timberwolf]

Thanks to everyone again, both for all the feedback and the good wishes.

Hopefully I can just bank the wishes for later.

[Ruby]

Bank them and use them as needed.

Thanks for the update. Huge hugs and more good wishes.

[LadyFyreWolf]

Timberwolf, I'm really very happy for you. It looks as though an unexpected and pleasant solution has presented itself. Although I'm new, I can sense that you're someone who very much deserves to find your soul's other half. Based on your explanation above, you seem to be eloquent, genuine, and sincere. She's a lucky woman.
I'll add my wishes to the pile - hopefully you continue to be fulfilled.

[frankee]

That is wonderful news TW, i wish you all the best with this new person in your life. *hugs*

[Silke]

It sounds like you hit gold, Timberwolf...keep the fire burning. All the best to you and your new love.