Relationships outside of marriage

[Ozme52]

That's fantastic that you have come to that agreement with your wife. I have broached the subject with my husband, but he is absolutely not interested. Which is a shame, because now I'm doing it behind his back, which is not in my nature at all. The ideal situation for us would be a semi-open marriage where we are both free to explore other relationships but we stay together for the kids. We could probably end up being good friends if he was open minded enough to try it.

Don't misunderstand. This is a 30 year old agreement which we never discussed save for once or twice early on...and once when she was concerned about a particular lady who turned out to be, not a lady, but a girl. (But I mention the incident to allow people to understand, this agreement isn't a figment of my imagination. LOL)

Several of my acquaintances had apparently stepped over the line... but I had not because our agreement included... no mutual friends, no mutual acquaintances. I kept to the letter of the agreement... and probably sidestepped a nasty outcome.

I would be the first to admit that trying to negotiate that kind of agreement after a number of years of marriage would be difficult. We set the guidelines for our relationship early on... and yes, somethings change and mature over time. But I think this particular topic is a difficult one to "renegotiate" especially if you don't already have something in place other than your marriage vows.

Good luck.

[jeanne]

I would be the first to admit that trying to negotiate that kind of agreement after a number of years of marriage would be difficult. We set the guidelines for our relationship early on... and yes, somethings change and mature over time. But I think this particular topic is a difficult one to "renegotiate" especially if you don't already have something in place other than your marriage vows.

I have no intention of renegotiating this topic with my husband - and yes, I have a D/s relationship outside my marriage. I didn't go looking for it, it just happened. And I wasn't willing or able to pass up the opportunity. Does that make me a bad person, a bad wife? By society's definition, yes. Am I ignoring my husband for this other person? No. Am I entirely happy about my decision? No. But I'm able to live with it. I love my husband and intend to spend the rest of my life with him and will do everything in my power to ensure he never knows. And I'll deal with the consequences if he ever finds out - good or bad. And yes, I know it would be bad.

But for now, I have my husband - the man I've been with for 22+ years, and I have Him - the Dom I hope to have for many years to come. And I am okay with the situation and rapidly finding the internal balance I need to make it work for me.

*Commence throwing rotten tomatoes*

[Isabelle90]

I love my husband and intend to spend the rest of my life with him and will do everything in my power to ensure he never knows. And I'll deal with the consequences if he ever finds out - good or bad. And yes, I know it would be bad.

If your husband found out and ended your marriage (would he?), would you then be able to begin an open real-life, if it's not already, relationship with your dom?

How would you handle this with your children?

I'm trying to grasp what it would be like to be in this situation.

[jeanne]

If your husband found out and ended your marriage (would he?), would you then be able to begin an open real-life, if it's not already, relationship with your dom?

How would you handle this with your children?

I'm trying to grasp what it would be like to be in this situation.

Isabelle - I'm fortunate in some ways. I have a real-life relationship with him. Because of distance we are unable to see each other often, but when we do...yes, it's that good.

And my children are almost grown. They are beginning their own lives now and will only be at home another year or two. (Yep, I'm an old lady. )

If my husband found and then divorced me, would I have a more open relationship with Him? Well, yes and no. I'd see him more often, that's for sure, but he too is married and committed to that marriage so it isn't as if we'd be together always and live happily everafter. But, the time we spend together is so intense, so completely real and so bone-deep satisfying for me that I'm happy with what I get. Very happy with what I get.

[caligirl{Rob}]

I have no intention of renegotiating this topic with my husband - and yes, I have a D/s relationship outside my marriage. I didn't go looking for it, it just happened. And I wasn't willing or able to pass up the opportunity. Does that make me a bad person, a bad wife? By society's definition, yes. Am I ignoring my husband for this other person? No. Am I entirely happy about my decision? No. But I'm able to live with it. I love my husband and intend to spend the rest of my life with him and will do everything in my power to ensure he never knows. And I'll deal with the consequences if he ever finds out - good or bad. And yes, I know it would be bad.

But for now, I have my husband - the man I've been with for 22+ years, and I have Him - the Dom I hope to have for many years to come. And I am okay with the situation and rapidly finding the internal balance I need to make it work for me.

*Commence throwing rotten tomatoes*

throws self in front of you...as you definitely do not deserve to have a tomato of any sort lobbed at you *hugs*

[jeanne]

throws self in front of you...as you definitely do not deserve to have a tomato of any sort lobbed at you *hugs*

I'm a big girl, cali, I can deal. But thanks! (Remember me telling you in PM that we were in similar situations? This is what I meant.)

*hugs back*

[Isabelle90]

*Commence throwing rotten tomatoes*

There will be no throwing of food, rotten or otherwise!!! Who are any of us to judge? I certainly am not!

divorce at this time would be financial ruin for the father of my children, my Dom has my complete trust and respect, knows all of my life, supports me emotionally, fulfills me and makes me so much more of a mother, woman, and caretaker.

Cali, you are extremely unselfish! I cannot imagine putting myself through the emotional rollercoaster you must be in. In my opinion, the openness is which you have with your dom is awesome! Hopefully it is helping to balance your life.

Life changes things over time and relationships alter in response. What was important once might not be now. If one then goes beyond the old agreed limits, is it still cheating? Or if so, does it matter?

Isabelle also asks how the couple who are "playing away" can possibly trust each other knowing that they are cheating on at least one other person.

TYWD

TYWD, I think that is what Flaming Red was kind of saying. People and relationships change over time. I guess it's just a matter how we choose to deal with those changes.

I didn't use the phrase "playing away" because I don't think that anyone that has a D/s relationship outside of their marriage would ever consider it that. If it were just "playing," most of us would probably agree that that would be selfish and considered cheating. (Really, though, I'm not judging!)


These are simply questions that float through my head. Anyone that knows me, even here, knows that I ask questions! Not out of judgement, but out of curiosity. I have a need to learn and understand.

Think of me as Oprah, only without the billion dollars!!!

Next up......polyamorous people. What say you?

[ThisYouWillDo]

A quick note of explanation. Over here, when a soccer team visits another town for a football match, they are "playing away." You might call them the "visiting team". The phrase has come to be used in the UK to refer to people who are having extra-marital relationships.

I was not referring only to people who were "playing" when I used the term, but also to people who were conducting serious relationships outside their marriage/partnership.

TYWD

[Ozme52]

A quick note of explanation. Over here, when a soccer team visits another town for a football match, they are "playing away." You might call them the "visiting team". The phrase has come to be used in the UK to refer to people who are having extra-marital relationships.

I was not referring only to people who were "playing" when I used the term, but also to people who were conducting serious relationships outside their marriage/partnership.

TYWD

Thanx!! I love learning new idioms.

[Ozme52]

Think of me as Oprah, only without the billion dollars!!!

I need a new car!!

[Isabelle90]

I need a new car!!

Did you notice the part about NOT having the billion dollars?!! Santa might be a better fictitious character to ask. (Hope I didn't just give away the secret to an unknowing soul!)

I suggest you start another thread.
This one probably hasn't run its course yet.

Really? I was trying to lighten the mood.

respectfully i can only speak for myself, i hope that my children never think of their lives as a lie, that they realize their parents are and were not perfect, are human and did and do make the choices that they believe are the best at the time. Personally i've had friends whose parents divorced and they are sure things would have been better if they'd stuck it out, and ones who wished that mom and dad had called it quits, it is impossible to step into anyone else's shoes. i balance each and every decision i make as i'm sure others do in their circumstances. So i never expect to have to explain to my kids anything about their lives not being anything but real, with the ups and downs, foibles and follies and all else that life entails. So something to think about for me each day is that i love my kids beyond words (and they know it!)...their life is real, their mom is human and the good bad and ugly, she works to give them the best life, not the perfect life, the best...they may or may not agree or disagree with the choices made, but there will never be a moment they can doubt that it was made with the best intentions

So, the kids grow up thinking mom and dad are happy and everything is fine, and after about 18 years, when they're teens, you tell them you're divorcing....um....okay....well....my ex-sister-in-law did that. Her kids had the $120 Adidas sneakers and whatever else they wanted growing up, but when she dropped the D bomb, her kids went ballistic! Her daughter had just graduated from high school. She ran off from home and got pregnant instead of going to college. Her middle child graduated the next year and joined the Marines to get away. Her youngest got ulcers. They barely have anything to do with their father. So much for the kids being old enough to "handle" it....

My son was 2. I don't think he even remembers us together, which is probably a good thing. We have to do what we think is best. Sometimes, we're wrong. My mom was wrong. I don't know if I was wrong or not, yet. I sure as hell hope I haven't screwed up my kid for life! *sigh*

My parents divorced when I was 25 after 27 years of marriage. I was an adult, but it was painful. The only relationship outside of marriage was one with alcohol. Anyway, even now it is difficult for our family to be together. My brother and I have children and refuse to have separate birthdays, baptisms, etc.

Here's the deal (in my mind - which we all know is questionable) I believe that as parents, we set the foundation for our children. How they "turn out" is ultimately determined by our parenting skills, or lack thereof. One cannot really judge the parenting skills of another based on the follies of teenagers. (Flaming Red, you probably know more about your nieces' & nephews' upbringing to have a greater understanding of their particular situation.) It's the end result that speaks volumes.

Flaming Red & Cali, I think you are both doing what you think is best for YOU and YOURS! Isn't that the best thing all around?

[Ozme52]

Next up......polyamorous people. What say you?

I suggest you start another thread.
This one probably hasn't run its course yet.