Relationships outside of marriage

[ThisYouWillDo]

OK - Vows, promises and agreements between life-partners (for want of a better neutral word) that are being adhered to must be binding, and deliberately stepping outside the limits breaks the commitiments given and received. That's cheating.

But eventually, sometimes, those undertakings lapse or are neglected, or just become irrelevant. Nevertheless, the relationship continues, either because it is comfortable, or because it remains a loving relationship notwithstanding its shortcomings. Life changes things over time and relationships alter in response. What was important once might not be now. If one then goes beyond the old agreed limits, is it still cheating? Or if so, does it matter?

You might say, it's only OK if the other partner consents. I say, if it is necessary to obtain permission then it is still important to the relationship (in which case the original undertakings apply). Just because something isn't quite working for one person in a relationship doesn't mean he/she has to highlight it to the other if it can be discretely dealt with separately. To my mind, that would elevate a minor problem to a major issue that could eventually ruin the partnership entirely.

(Sometimes a partnership is forced to continue for economic/family/other reasons or because one partner simply refuses to accept the reality that the relationship has broken down. That is a different situation from what I have described above. And to my mind, there can be no cheating because the undertakings evaporated when the partnership hit the rocks and the "wayward" partner has no duty of fidelity towards the other.)

Isabelle also asks how the couple who are "playing away" can possibly trust each other knowing that they are cheating on at least one other person. Assuming it is cheating, they can't. But I guess they take a calculated risk that it will work for them as far as they want it to. After all, apart from spotty, spunk-filled teenagers bent on destroying Casanova's claim to be the world's best lover, most people want to have an honest relationship with their lover. If there's no trust, then I do not see how the relationship can progress beyond crude sex.

TYWD

[annie]

Isabelle also asks how the couple who are "playing away" can possibly trust each other knowing that they are cheating on at least one other person. Assuming it is cheating, they can't. But I guess they take a calculated risk that it will work for them as far as they want it to. After all, apart from spotty, spunk-filled teenagers bent on destroying Casanova's claim to be the world's best lover, most people want to have an honest relationship with their lover. If there's no trust, then I do not see how the relationship can progress beyond crude sex.

Think it is a matter of what "trust" is defined as for each person just as "playing away" is defined by each person. And honestly, I think in many ways it is easier to build trust in the second relationship, assuming of course that the relationship is a real founded caring relationship and not just a quick sex fest. (Hence where "true vs. play" Dominates come in to my way of thinking.) To me the second relationship was not a "play" relationship. It was true and real and more substantial on most levels then my marriage was. I could trust him to be more open and brutally honest when I needed it, etc. The second relationship isn't just about sex or playing... it is about so much more then that. I have ended relationship/friendship that were being created just on "sex" because that is not what I am seeking... "sex" to me is NOT the point or the reason. There is a different between cheating for sex and cheating due to happiness and fulfillment on other levels. Yes, I know splitting hairs in a way...

After all at that point what else is there to loose? You have learned from your previous mistakes (hopefully) and with the right "second" relationship you are forced, on many levels, to take a look at what you did/do wrong, evaluate it, change it, etc by the simple fact of sharing it with someone else on such an intimate level. Honestly, I knew with my first Dominate, who was also married, what his level of commitment could be, what limitations where on the relationship, etc. I had more trust in him (and still do) then I do in my husband daily... not sure I can explain it....

And just to confuse the topic more... there are times that I find that the second relationship actually enhances the first without the other partners knowledge. If I am being more fulfilled and being made happier due to whatever reason/source I am less likely to take the small annoying things and blow them out of portion. I am calmer, more able to focus, etc. All of which have positive impacts on the marriage....

[caligirl{Rob}]

(Hence where "true vs. play" Dominates come in to my way of thinking.)

And just to confuse the topic more... there are times that I find that the second relationship actually enhances the first without the other partners knowledge. If I am being more fulfilled and being made happier due to whatever reason/source I am less likely to take the small annoying things and blow them out of portion. I am calmer, more able to focus, etc. All of which have positive impacts on the marriage....

How very well stated annie! i have returned from visits with MR to hearing "You should go off more often as it seems to do you so well"

i can also relate to not always knowing when or if staying or going is the best for anyone...it is as i stated what it is...and whatever it is it is ALWAYS given thought...i have no delusions of "happily ever after" or life without conflict, it is not easy to stay and it will not be easy to leave...i am blessed to have in my life a strong, confident, caring Dom and partner who wants to take me on as a "whole package"

hugs!
cali

[Playfulsub]

(Sometimes a partnership is forced to continue for economic/family/other reasons or because one partner simply refuses to accept the reality that the relationship has broken down. That is a different situation from what I have described above. And to my mind, there can be no cheating because the undertakings evaporated when the partnership hit the rocks and the "wayward" partner has no duty of fidelity towards the other.)

Bingo.