Who/what brought out the inner sub in you

[Saheli]

Well....I remember when I was like 10 hearing stories of girls who got kidnapped and were raped over and over...I remember that I was expected to feel sorry for them, but instead I kind of felt jealous. I didn't have a death wish, but the idea of some stranger busting into my house and stealing me away to fuck me repeatedly over a period of days or even weeks definitely made me sopping wet. I didn't really understand why I desired that, and it occured to me that those thoughts were probably not normal, and I should definitely never tell my parents about them. But everytime I would masturbate, I'd fantasize about it.

Less than a year later my step-dad fingered me while we were on a camping trip after my mom fell asleep. Now, I'm not into incest, but at 10 that was a pretty new experience. And I have to say it felt pretty good. It was dark, so I didn't have to look at him...I just decided to play dumb and enjoy the physical aspect of it. I pretended like I didn't realize it was wrong, since that's what a lot of young kids report as they get older. I didn't relish the fact that it was my step-dad, but let's face it...it was less energy that I had to put out.

As I got older, I started doing a few different kinds of drugs and had recently discovered coke. I'd had sex with this particular guy a couple of times, and he invited me to a party...his friend's birthday party.. So I went; he drove me. Turned out I was the only girl there (should've gotten the hint but didn't)...guess how that turned out? I wasn't sure about letting them all fuck me, but I was fucked up so I knew I couldn't have left even if I wanted to, and the idea kind of turned me on. So I said fuck it and let them have fun until they got tired. That was the first time I really felt helpless, because I was. I don't really know if it should be considered rape; I mean I said they could, but there wasn't much of a choice involved, either. At the end of the day, though, I realized that what turned me on so much was the being helpless.

Why else would I fantasize about being kidnapped and forced to do demeaning things? Why else would I let my step-dad finger me for 6 years? Why else would I let a house-full of strangers fuck me until they fell asleep? When I thought about all those things, and then thought about how my sister fucks (missionary...only), I realized that a vanilla relationship would probably just not be enough to satisfy me.

I don't know a whole lot about BDSM, except the basic ideas...I'm not a masochist, but it's all about not being in control...it isn't nearly as physical for me as it is psychological. So if the person in control wants me to hurt, then it turns me on but not because I'm hurt...because I can't stop it, and because the person doesn't care how I feel. (Let me just add that it is important that my Dominant cares how I feel in general, but it does not matter to me whether He cares about my feelings about a particular activity in a given momet...does that make sense? Of course caring is important: it's what lets me know that I probably won't be killed and that no matter how distastefully I'm treated, there is some concern about me there...somewhere.) So I'm exploring all the things that I like and what I don't like and why, and experimenting with different ideas I come across. So if you have any ideas, let me know and I'll write you back and tell you how it went!